This blog post was published by Familyaffaires.com.
Last Saturday night, I was headed to a party around 6:45 pm when I saw a man walking his dog with a cell phone suspiciously held to his ear. He was having an animated conversation and seemed to be all smiles!
I immediately thought he must be having an affair! Is it me? So a guy on his phone on a Saturday night having an enthusiastic conversation could only be talking to a lover! [Read more…]
This is a subject close to my heart. I know what it feels like to fear that your partner is betraying you and you can’t get a straight answer. I know how that feeling can make you believe you might be crazy.
As a relationship specialist for so many decades and with my other specialty trauma – I believe both are descriptive of what affairs do to the individuals involved – all of them and to the relationship. I’ve watched little old ladies become crazed and take on the role of private detective. I’ve seen people collapse under the weight of their failing marriage. I could go on.
What I want to say is that these relationships can and should be repaired before one walks away. The person who has the affair has violated his own moral code, lied and has broken a commitment made to his partner that shatters the world around them. So much could be said for what it does to their children – no matter how old..
This horror is that too many people choose the route of divorce instead of really slowing down and taking the opportunity to look into themselves and the relationship they are ready to leave. It is a rich opportunity for deep healing of so many issues and an avenue to the connection that can be made with the right kind of therapy. Then, if they choose to leave each other and move on, they do so healthy and respectfully.
Collaborative Divorce is one very different way of resolving marriages. Having briefly served as a divorce coach I know its many values. Mediation is another avenue to avoid the costly and disruptive and anger infusing method of ending a marriage. In many cases the old fashioned adversarial way is a way for lawyers to make a lot of money and keep the fires of hatred growing.
I suggest people should slow down before they run either way. Then if you are going to leave your marriage, put some serious thought into the route you take.
So I applaud you for the work you are doing. It is a painful path that doesn’t have to destroy the people going through it. It is also a path to ending in a healthy, self-respecting way. I’m glad you are out there doing what you do.
Paula Susan
I agree with your comments. Don’t make any immediate decisions that may get you caught up in the process if you’re not ready. Do homework on available options and programs. Divorce or recovery from an affair are challenging undertakings. Be sure you’re on the journey that’s best for you and your family. Consult with as many professionals as possible. Assume a strategic approach to healing regardless of the path you choose. Thank you for your thoughtful comments, Paula.
Sbeila has the ability to look objectively from the outside in. Her counsel to me was always spot on & invaluable.